So, where were we?

I believe it's Day 4 of the Fat Diaries. I don't like to think of myself as fat. Does it make sense I prefer the term chunky? Probably not. I have, however, decided to damn it all and show my ankles this summer! WHAT? Joking aside, I bought a pair of capri pants and am wearing them in public. I am going outside where the weather is very hot (geez, it's already in the high 90's f***!) and sporting some short pants. That's right, And I got a deal on them. Totally beside the point, but I am comfortable and I'm sure people are not pointing at me and laughing, ha ha ha, she's wearing capris, lol. Yeah, no. It's just my imagination. Something I've learned to be true. People don't really give a flying f*** what you wear. To prove a point, I once wore the same outfit to work all 5 days and no one said a word to me. Like maybe the poor girl can't afford a new blouse, or gee, those pants sure look familiar. Not a thing. I even had to point it out to a co-worker. She just nodded, and moved her chair away from me ever so slightly. ..
So what I have learned from this diet experiment is this: nobody cares what you look like, what you wear, how you wear it... I think cleanliness is important (did I mention that I washed those clothes every day before I wore them for the entire week?) I think that if you carry yourself well, and treat yourself with respect that you will receive the same back. I have learned not to focus all the negative energy on myself! Wait for it, I have learned to like myself. And to like myself in those damn capris. And hold my head high. And not worry so much about what I think someone might be saying. And who cares if someone does think or say something, isn't that just a reflection of that person?
I'm going all Shallow Hal on myself and seeing the good in people. And hopefully, I'll be able to see the good in myself, too!
Say good night Gracie,
Good night, Gracie.

Hi, Still Fat!

It is almost summer here (temperature in the 90's) and I'm still fat. The great plans for weight loss last year fell through like a Krispy Kreme donut (you know, greasy, leaden, heavy in your stomach). At least I can say that I truly do NOT like Krispy Kreme and that the last shop actually went out of business. So no tempting smells caused by a drive by, which of course, would trigger an amazing amount of eating. And speaking of eating, have I mentioned that I do not like food all that well? Surprising, considering the amount of weight I need to lose. (Did I mention my constant thyroid monitoring, the fatigue and depression symptoms that never go away...) I decided to do a wrap up of what I actually eat in the course of a day to see where the culprit is.

Morning: no breakfast-makes my stomach upset all day. so just tea (milk and sugar included, or if you just get down to it this:

the best thing since sliced bread (and when I say sliced bread I'm kidding. I don't like bread and it's a good thing since I recently read that hypothyroid people-me-are most likely prone to celiac and other celiac related problems. Now ID makes a gluten free French Vanilla. Let's sing it-Heaven, I'm in heaven....

And I don't know if International Delight knows it or not, but pairing this French Vanilla with

makes the most amazing drink on the face of the earth. Please don't tell me that this tea is available year round, because I would be like Jobba the Hut with a travel mug, drinking this all day in obesity induced coma. Not to say that this stuff makes me fat, not at all! It's everything else I eat during the day that does that.

So let's get on with the rest of the day.

Mid Morning: soda (sometimes diet, hey, I'm not a total heathen!)

Nacho Doritos (hey they're gluten free)

Lunch (late afternoon): Soda, of course, sometimes I kid myself and have an ice tea, but after I've redeemed myself, I always go back to soda. Hamburger, maybe, pizza most likely.

Then from all the salt consumption I crave sugar like crazy, like an entire red licorice barrel, by myself.

Dinner: Ugh, I hate, but I make. Sometimes I can do a little damage on the plate and swirl it around to look like I ate (eating disorder? I've got you covered!)

Then late at night when hubby's asleep I sneak into the kitchen for my nightly bowl of cereal. Ah, it's nirvana. Cereal and late night TV in bed, all while hubby's asleep.

I'm sure there's something to read into this, but I have always loved cereal at night, mostly because milk in the am makes me barf. Nice image, huh?

What brought all this on was this lovely little Tumblr blog called Lobley Cottage. There are some truly lovely images, but also realistic ones-and encouraging ones. Not like the beat you over the head for not working out in a gym pages, or the if you're not doing yoga like this

then there is something wrong with you (even though I did take this from her blog!) Instead of looking through the window wishing I had a beach body (in the middle of the desert. Hey, some things can't be helped)

Instead of wishing and hoping (gee I hope this weight falls off while I'm sleeping tonite) I am going to move, change, do something different. And basically, not be afraid. Because what I'm really scared of, ready for it? is to SUCCEED!

What if I do lose the weight? What kind of person will I become? And do I deserve to lose weight, to be nice to myself?

I leave you with those words, my friends. I will dream of them tonight and see what my brain comes up with in the morning.

Love to all,